Today, more than ever I realized how much I’m living for “My little Kingdom”. I am so wrapped up in me and my life that I don’t want to hear the gospel. I’ve been SO stressed at work, working 10 hour days and still not getting it all done. I’m mad about the strike my company is anticipating and the 100 hours of training that I’m forced to take so I can go and backfill a union employee’s job so they can have better health insurance than me. I mad because as management we receive salary pay and the only way we may earn extra comes in the form of an annual raise and bonus. Well, we were informed last Friday that we will not be receiving a merit increase and only a small percentage of our bonus. Man that stinks! Here I am giving so much of my time to this company and in return I’m getting nothing. I’m expected to do more but get less. It is very frustrating. I stay in conflict with myself because on one hand, I am so thankful to have a job but on the other hand, I must defend my little kingdom. My mind starts reeling about all the things that I need to do. The house is a perpetual disaster. I’m constantly washing clothes and straightening up but you wouldn’t know it to look at it. Jason really needs a new truck. Well, not a NEW truck but a newer or new to him, truck. We hoped to have more done on the pool house by this summer but that’s not going to happen……and then today after church I attempted to go purchase a new phone only to drive all the way to 280 to be told it must be handled online. I drove home mad and again started thinking about how everything was against me. Nothing is working for my little kingdom……but me!
When I arrived home…..still mad, my husband asked me, “Remember what Burt said in the sermon this morning?” My response was, “I heard what he said and I don’t need to hear it again from you!” Ouch! That hurts just typing it. So now I am home alone thinking of all the repenting I need to do. Why do I keep thinking that I am in control? That I am the one who can take care of everything. Why do I let my stinkin’ PRIDE rule my life? Why am I so self righteous and feel so self reliant?
Today, more than ever, I’m reminded that I am a needy sinner in pursuit of my little kingdom. When what I really need is to go to my savior and thank him for protecting and providing for my family. God has been so gracious to us. He protects us, even when we don’t know we need protection and He provides more than what we NEED yet we WANT more. Forgive me, Lord!
And now I’ll leave you with a quote from our church bulletin by John Mac Arthur –
Some people get so caught up in their own holiness that they look at the Trinity for a possible vacancy.
Needing to repent,
Anne Marie
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5 comments:
Oh, thank you for writing this. I've been frustrated by my OWN crappy-crappiness. And thinking, "Let's just be done with this stupid life. I cannot ever see that it will get easier. EVER." But yet... the gospel is still the gospel, screaming loudly, whispering softly, ever in my ear, showing me my sin and my Savior.
Go kiss your husband. He was the gospel to you today.
I like my little kingdom and realized this week that i didn't trust God with my school. No thanks God I got this you don't need to worry about. Well hello He cares and delights in us but we constantly get in the way of that. So here's to trying to not get in the way.
cheers from me too. Funny, been feeling the same way myself. Thanks for being vulnerable. And know that we're all in the same boat with you. praying for you and me both! love ya girl.
I think we will forever refer to our messed up lives as "My Little Kingdom" now, thanks to this book study. It really has opened my eyes to my own selfishness. Thanks for posting. Sorry I'm a week late reading it! I hope you are feeling better.
I feel the same way at times. I'm in management also. They have cut hours back at work so much that I find myself constantly running a register, bagging groceries, cleaning up spills, and anything else that needs to be done. I have very little time for my paperwork and actually running the front end. I have to remember ,as well, to be thankful I have a job, but it's hard to deal with feeling you're stretched to the limit. I end up complaining and forgetting about the family's needs. It's nice to know I'm not alone in this struggle of dealing with "my little kingdom". It's funny how man can be so selfish at times. That's why we are all in such desperate need of a Savior and each other.
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